non league

Harwich & Parkeston 1 Hackney Wick 1

/ martinpbrooks / Leave a comment

Having grown up in Shotley, in the extreme bottom right-hand corner of Suffolk, Harwich & Parkeston, in the extreme top right-hand corner of Essex had always been somewhere not very far from the top of the sludge in my mind.  All I had to do was look out of my bedroom window over the roofs of the Council bungalows behind our house, and along with Dovercourt, there they were across the River Stour estuary.  At night-time, the lights in the docks twinkled in the distance and at midnight on New Year’s Eve we would nip outside to hear the ship’s hooters and sirens sounding.   My maternal grandfather, who more or less lived in Shotley all his life would tell people who upset him to “Go to Harwich”, which was either an oblique way of telling them to go and jump in the river, or a polite way of saying “Go to Hell”, probably both.

My maternal grandmother meanwhile, was born in Hackney Wick and lived there as a child.  It is with these loose family connections in mind that I choose today to eschew the probable delights of football fixtures a little closer to home such as Halstead Town versus Sporting Bengal United, Cornard United versus Ely City, Coggeshall Town versus London Fennecs and Brantham Athletic versus Thetford Town to watch Harwich & Parkeston versus Hackney Wick in the Essex Senior League.

It is a wet, windy, miserable afternoon as I step out of my front door to walk to the railway station, and I half wish I hadn’t already bought my rail ticket (£10.70 with Senior Person’s Railcard).  It’s a fifty-minute journey to Dovercourt with the final eighteen minutes of the journey being from Manningtree to Dovercourt along what is now called the Mayflower Line.  The Mayflower Line is sadly not known as such because the Pilgrim Fathers at some time caught the train to Harwich before making their somewhat fateful but nevertheless well-intentioned journey, which has years later indirectly resulted in Donald Trump, but because Harwich was The Mayflower’s home port and was where it was built.   If, in our ever more likely looking dystopian future Americans were to buy the Mayflower Line, I imagine we could look forward to hearing Chattanooga Choo Choo played as we pull out of Manningtree station.

From Manningtree station, the train pulls gently uphill away from the River Stour to run along its south bank through Mistley and Wrabness, with murky views through the raindrop coated train windows of the River Stour at high tide, the southern shore of the Shotley Peninsula and the tower of the Royal Hospital School at Holbrook, where incidentally my father was an unhappy pupil back in the 1930’s.  Harwich International Station is just yards from the dockside and here it is possible to catch a glimpse of the red hull of the RRS David Attenborough, or to the 124,109 members of the Great British public who voted to name it so, Boaty McBoatface.

Arriving in Dovercourt, it is thankfully no longer raining, and it is just a ten-minute walk up Kingsway, along High Street and Main Road past what was Woolworth’s and what still is the Royal Oak pub to the Royal Oak Ground, home of Harwich & Parkeston football club.  When I last came here almost exactly eight years ago (Harwich & Parkeston v Benfleet) , I entered the ground through the turnstile down the side of the ground in the shadow of the main stand. Today however, the turnstile is shut, and although the external metal door is hanging off slightly, I wouldn’t be able to squeeze through even if I wanted to.  I return to the main road and am directed through to the far end of the clubhouse, which in the tradition of scout huts and community halls everywhere smells a bit of damp. 

At the far end of the musty clubhouse two men stand at a table with a carboard box.  The one on the left looks at me enquiringly and I ask for “One for an old git, and a programme please”.  I am very pleased to see that Harwich still bother to print a proper hold in your hand and stuff in your pocket programme rather than rely on some digital, virtual creation which only exists in the ether.

Having paid up my seven quid using cash, I am mugged at the door by an elderly man at least in his seventies, who relieves me of a further pound in exchange for a strip of draw tickets.  Folding the tickets away in my pocket, I head for the tea bar where I buy a paper cup of tea and am served by a surly woman who seems to think I should know the price.  “One-fifty? A pound?” I ask her as I reach for my remaining change. “Two pounds” she barks aggressively “Unless they haven’t told me.” she adds, supplementing her aggressive with some passive.  “Well, it’s the first time I’ve been here in eight years” I tell her, “So I don’t know”.   As I walk away with my tea, I see that above the word tea on the blackboard menu outside it says “£1.50”.  “I’d better rub this out then” I say, so I do.   Wiping my chalky finger on my trousers I consume my tea and then find a seat up in the main stand.

When the game begins, it is Harwich & Parkeston or ‘The Shrimpers’ as they are known colloquially that get first go with the ball, launching it towards the Royal Oak’s other covered stand more or less in the direction of Boaty McBoatface, the River Stour and Shotley beyond. Harwich & Parkeston look smart in their traditional black and white striped shirts and black shorts echoing the kits of their bigger east coast brothers Grimsby Town and Newcastle United.  Hackney Wick sport an all-cerise kit with yellow and green collars and cuffs and yellow numbers, which set off the dominant deep pink rather well. If it wasn’t for the yellow trim, and the heads and limbs, they’d look a bit like raspberry Mivvi ice lollies.  “Keep going Harwich” shouts somebody either from on the pitch or in the crowd, I’m not sure which, but the game has barely started.  I can’t decide if such a shout so early on is hyper-supportive or a bit pessimistic.  Either way, within a few moments Shrimpers’ number eight Jenson Goode lobs a shot over the Hackney Wick goalkeeper, but also wide of the goal.

From my seat, up in the vertiginous main stand, I can see dock cranes beyond the battered black and white corrugated tin roof of the one other stand, which backs on to Main Road.  Back on the pitch, both teams are looking to attack one another down the flanks.  The Hackney Wick ‘keeper Tyron Osadolor misses the ball completely as a Shrimpers cross from the left flies across the face of his goal. “Goalie, you’re rubbish” shouts a voice in the crowd, a little prematurely it will turn out. It’s nine minutes past three and The Shrimpers win the game’s first corner, but it comes to nothing and the match settles down to being a bit messy, perhaps in part because of the bumpy, slippery pitch and blustery wind.

I turn my collar up against the breeze, which is coming over the hill to my right and off the North Sea beyond.  It’s not cold but it’s unpleasantly drafty. Beneath me, the yellow pitch almost looks as if it’s coming back to life whilst we watch as it drinks up the rain that has fallen.  The Shrimpers number ten shoots on goal but the Hackney Wick goalkeeper makes a decent diving save at the expense of a corner.  Eighteen minutes have passed and it’s almost as if the sun is trying to shine, but not quite. “Ball forward, ball forward” shouts a wanna-be coach from the stand as Hackney Wick pass the ball amongst themselves in the centre circle.

Twenty-five minutes have gone and as Shrimpers’ number three Jack Cosby receives treatment in the centre circle, there is an ad hoc drinks break, and I decide the breeze up here in the stand is more than I can bear so I make for the other covered stand behind the goal.  Two minutes later and the Shrimpers take the lead as their number nine Joe Knight runs towards goal and takes a shot from outside the penalty box, which strikes a defender and is deflected over the out-stretched goalkeeper. Knight performs a knee-slide by way of celebration and a jolly, well-fed looking woman in the crowd rings a hand bell.

The last worthwhile action of the half sees Hackney Wick’s number ten Durnall Taylor go through on goal and confidently lift the ball over the on-rushing goalkeeper only for the ball to go well wide of the goal. Taylor looks absolutely incredulous, as if the goal had somehow moved between his kicking the ball and looking up to see it not go in the goal.  The jolly woman with the bell is laughing like a drain and an elderly man wanders around the ground with a small blackboard displaying the winning draw numbers, none of which are sadly replicated by the tickets in my pocket.

Too scared to encounter the woman in the tea hut again, I forego a half-time cuppa and spend a few minutes on the phone to my wife, catching up on the latest at home. It seems we’ve lost power to the garage, kitchen and the fountain in the garden pond, but she’s rigged up an extension-lead to keep the freezer going. Good job I’m here really.

The football resumes at five past four and from somewhere unknown three Hackney Wick fans have taken up residence in the stand behind the goal and are chanting “Hackney Wick, Na Na Na, Hackney Wick, Na Na Na” repeatedly.   I’m now stood by the Hackney Wick dug out from where one of two coaches, a serious, slightly unhappy looking man bawls “Keep that pressure” and indeed his team do, pinning back the Shrimpers from the start, with their number eleven Josh Okpa in particular very busy down the right flank. “The Wick’n, The Wick’n” (I think, but possibly The Wicker?) continue the either newly arrived or miraculously cured of shyness Hackney Wick supporters, one of whom wears a bucket hat and one a bright yellow anorak.  The Hackney Wick coach is becoming a bit more effusive too. “Keep that fuckin’ pressure” he bawls, adding seemingly unnecessary coarseness to his advice. 

It has just gone a quarter past four and Shrimpers’ number eight Jake Gordon surges forward, only to overreach himself and slide through the legs of Hackney Wick’s massive number five and captain Kogo Feyi, who drops to the ground like a felled tree.  After the usual mass complaining and sweary advice to the referee that invariably accompanies these incidents, Gordon becomes the recipient of the afternoon’s first yellow card, to which strangely he gives the thumbs up. Five minutes later and Hackney Wick equalise as the ball is slipped through the square Shrimpers defence for number fourteen Emmuael Odegah to run after and roll past the exposed goalkeeper Will Healy. “We are The Wick, We are The Wick” chant the Hackney Wick Three in celebration.

Another five minutes pass and both teams now make substitutions like they’re about to go out of fashion. Hackney Wick continue to press with the creative Josh Okpa revealing his frustration and possible artistic temperament as increasingly nothing his team does quite comes off.  The Shrimpers are the more stoic of the two teams.  “Gotta dig in” is their advice from the touchline. With the second half, half over, there is once again a hint of rain on the air, and the three Harwich & Parkeston coaches huddle conspiratorially to plan the ‘final push’.  There is mounting tension as both triumph and disaster remain possible outcomes for either team.  From the main stand a black and white dog (presumably a Shrimpers supporter) follows the action intently and every now and then barks his support or advice, I’m unsure which; he might even be swearing.

It’s nearly twenty to five. “Wicker Army, Oh, oh, oh” chant the Hackney Wick three, who just won’t shut up.  The Shrimpers win a corner; the ball sails over the penalty area but is crossed back in and number six Lewis Wood heads it firmly goalwards only for Wicker goalkeeper Tyron Osadolor to fly across the goal and spectacularly grasp it in mid-flight. It’s a save which reminds me of one I think I saw Ipswich Town’s David Best make against Real Madrid back in September 1973.

The end of the game is nigh.  One of the linesmen has to remind the referee to give a drop ball after he stops the game as Lewis Wood struggles to get up off the turf and then as sunshine momentarily threatens to break through the cloud, Wood recovers sufficiently to chip the ball against the Hackney Wick cross bar and number ten Leo Carty chases a ball over the top only for it to bounce off his shin and past the post.  The Shrimpers have ended the game more strongly and in the final minute a handball just outside the penalty area by goalkeeper Osadolor gives them a final direct free kick.    Substitute Joe Wood steps up to take the kick but his low shot is comfortably saved by the capable Tyron Osadolor.

The final whistle is blown at six minutes to five and there is a ripple of appreciative applause from the crowd, which I will later learn numbers 141, although I‘m not sure if that includes the dog.  I hang about to applaud the referee, linesmen and the teams from the pitch, but the teams take so long I am heading for the club house and the exit with the Shrimpers still on the field.  As I walk back to the railway station I reflect on what has made this an enjoyable afternoon and decide it is because the two teams were evenly matched, the Royal Oak Ground is delightfully scruffy and full of character, and there was a dog.  All that and I’ve still got the train ride home and another glimpse of Boaty McBoatface .

Coggeshall Town 2 Hertford Heath 3

/ martinpbrooks / Leave a comment

Not since the 1990’s when I lived in the fair town of Ipswich, have I had the pleasure of being able to simply walk to a football match unless going to a game whilst away on holiday.  There are mitigating circumstances today; I’m not actually starting from home but from stepson number two’s home, where I have left my wife Paulene to help prepare for this evening’s twice previously postponed celebrational family gathering, the purpose of which has now been lost in the mists of time, to me at least.

Google Maps tells us that it is a 2.3 kilometre walk from stepson number two’s house to The Crops, home of Coggeshall Town FC, who today play Hertford Heath FC in the snappily titled Thurlow Nunn Eastern Counties League First Division South. What Google Maps cannot convey is that it is a pleasant walk because Coggeshall is an attractive place full of ye olde worlde half-timbered houses, although in truth it is a bit twee for my tastes, but it doesn’t repel me like Lavenham, and when talking Grade 1 listed, Tudor houses the National Trust owned Pocock’s is a wonder to rival Ipswich’s Ancient House.

It’s a cloudy, sultry August afternoon as I set off, I check the time just a few yards down the road and it is twenty-three minutes past two.  It is thirteen minutes to three when I hand over a fiver at the turnstile at The Crops asking for the ‘old gits’ admission price.  I also ask if there’s a printed programme, but the turnstile operator says the programme is on-line and today contains fifty pages.  But I’m not impressed; all that scrolling would make my eyes feel like the reels in a one-armed bandit.  Thirsty and a bit sweaty after my walk in the heat of the afternoon, I head for the bar and the dubious pleasure of paying out six quid for a bottle of Adnams Southwold bitter. There are a lot of relocated Londoners in Coggeshall, and they seem to have brought their metropolitan prices with them.  Although the beer comes from the fridge, I am delighted to discover that it is not so cold as to give me a headache, in fact it is just on the right side of refreshing, which, if I could get an appointment, is probably just what any doctor would have ordered.

I stand about on the decking outside the clubhouse, sipping my expensive beer and savouring each mouthful in the hope of extracting maximum value for money.  I look at the team sheet posted on the wall of the changing rooms but don’t recognise any of the names so scan the faces of my fellow travellers. I recognise Jim who lives down the road from me and cheerily say “Hello Jim”, he says hello back, but he’s either giving me the cold shoulder or doesn’t remember my name.  I watch the three match officials warm up. They’re all a little portly and I’m relieved to see that on such a warm day they don’t do much running, only stretches.  The referee is Mr Oliver Townsend, a name which mashes together in my 1960’s and 1970’s coloured imagination the figures of Oliver Reed and Pete Townsend, neither of whom were probably ever suitable material as football referees.

Having run out of things to do except drink, I head for the low main stand to find a seat and take up residence in the back row of three, a couple of seats back from Jim.  The teams eventually appear and when kick-off arrives, once the bearded Mr Townsend has carefully counted the players on each team, it is visiting Hertford Heath, who aren’t from Hertford at all but from somewhere called Stanstead St Margarets, who get first go with the ball, which they propel mostly in the direction of the goal at the clubhouse end of the ground.  ‘The Heath’ as I’m sure they’re probably known, wear a strange kit of white shorts and socks and pale grey shirts.  “I think they’ve been using the wrong washing powder” calls a bloke in the next block of seats, and I think he has a point; the grey football shirt is not a fashion icon. Coggeshall Town meanwhile, sporting their handsome signature kit of red and black-striped shirts with black shorts try to send the ball in the general direction of the West Street vineyard and Pocock’s, but hope the goal net will stop the ball before it gets that far. 

 “Come on Coggy” shouts a male voice as the action gets underway somewhat tardily at three minutes past three  and I look down to pick up my beer and notice what looks like a small animal turd on the concrete floor of the stand.  After just three minutes, the Hertford number ten launches a spectacular volley wide of the Coggeshall goal, but just two minutes after that they lead, as what might well have been intended as a cross from number three soars over the Coggeshall ‘keepers head and onto the top right-hand corner of the goal.  “I’m not sure he meant that” says someone nearby, whilst back on the pitch, after celebrating the goal the advice is “back to work”.  On the touchline the referee’s assistant appears to suppress a burp as if he’s not going to quickly forget what he had for lunch.

Six minutes have passed and in front of me someone remarks “No pattern at all today”. It’s ten past three and the nearby linesman, who can’t forget his lunch and conceivably has the same hairstyle that he had in 1978, looks at his watch; a look of disappointment follows as if to say “is that all?”.   With twelve minutes gone, ‘Coggy’ have their first shot, which draws a flying save. “Good move that, wasn’t it” says the voice who had earlier discerned ‘no pattern at all today’.  Coggy win the game’s first corner kick and in front of me Jim joins in with a conversation about how hot it is. “Bloody hot during the night, I know that” says Jim adding his two penn’orth.  When a player goes down hurt, silence falls but for the sound of a plane buzzing lazily above as it cuts through the still, summer, afternoon air.

‘Coggy’ have been getting the ball down the flanks a bit, but just before three-twenty a punt forward through the middle bounces once near the edge of the penalty area and number nine lobs it over the advancing Heath goalkeeper, and the scores are suddenly level. It seems likely that the Heath hadn’t expected to concede and they are soon shooting over the ‘Coggy’ goal as over excitement spoils an inviting lay-off to the edge of the penalty area.  On the far side of the pitch I notice that the linesman there is wearing glasses, perhaps in an attempt to deter any would- be terrace comedians from making wisecracks about his not having taken the opportunity to go to Specsavers.  Closer to hand, it strikes me that all the players have what might be termed ‘sensible’ haircuts; not a mullet or a top-notch in sight, although I think one of the Heath substitutes might have ‘curtains’.

Another ‘Coggy’ corner is the last action before a drinks break at twenty-six minutes past three and one of the blokes in front of me asks of his neighbours  “Did you hear about that woman who burned her three-month-old child with a hair dryer?”. “She should be burned at the stake” replies Jim.  With play resumed, the number twenty for Hertford Heath collects the ball at the edge of the Coggy penalty area and shoots low into the corner of the goal and the Heath lead 2-1. “That’s what you get for having a drinks break” says someone off to my right as if Hertford Heath had just carried on playing.

A minute later and the Heath lead 3-1 as a loose ball falls to number nine, who lobs it over the Coggy goalkeeper and possibly most of his teammates from perhaps 40 metres out. It’s a fantastic goal, well worth the price of a bottle of Adnams Southwold bitter and oddly therefore the entrance money. “Good start in’t it, 3-1 down in the first half” says a clearly disillusioned voice from somewhere in front of me.

The remainder of the half drags on giving time for the Heath’s number 20 to claim the first yellow card of the afternoon, perhaps for sheer petulance as much as serious foul play and I realise also that neither of these teams has a following of teenage or pre-pubescant ultras. The half ends at eight minutes to four and it seems that several people will likely be late home for tea this evening.

With the half-time break, I enquire at the tea hut whether they still ‘do’ those ‘nice’ locally made sausage rolls, but it seems they don’t have any today, although the young woman serving says she can put a sausage in a bread roll for me.  As grateful as I am for the suggestion, it’s not quite the same thing.

I return to my seat just as the players return to the parched, sun-bleached pitch and its curiously anomalous green patches, where I can only think there are concentrations of more hardy weeds or clover. Eventually, the officials emerge from the dressing rooms too; I had been beginning to get worried that with the heat, one or more of them might have succumbed.    The football resumes at nine minutes past four, again after Mr Townsend has carefully counted all twenty-two players.

The second half develops into one of gathering tetchiness, resultant yellow cards and increasing use of the word “fuckin”, most noticeably it seems from the Hertford Heath number six, who seems to believe it has motivational properties.   Coggeshall win a couple of early corner kicks, neither of which manage to travel beyond the near post and then after collapsing to the ground clutching his shin or calf, the Heath number five raises himself and strides menacingly and even murderously towards the Coggy number two, who he then proceeds to jab his finger at threateningly.  Much shoving and pushing ensues and I’m transported back to the school playground and the experience of tens of children all chanting “Fight, Fight, Fight! ”.  The incident fortunately soon ends, if not amicably, then at least not embarrassingly either and Mr Townsend’s cards remain in his pocket.

With the clock ticking beyond twenty past four the first substitutions happen, whilst in the seats in front of me there’s a brief discussion about a ‘nice’ garden centre at Boxted where, it seems, it’s possible to get a free meal as long as you buy another one as well, and possibly some drinks.  Speaking of which, the second half drinks break happens shortly after four-thirty.  “This is the worst game I’ve seen them play for a long while” says the disillusioned local in front of me. “They haven’t a bloody clue, have they?” he adds. 

A couple of bookings follow, one for each team, as two players appear to wilfully collide with others, and then at just before a quarter to five a Coggeshall shot strikes a Hertford Heath player and there are appeals for a penalty because of  a perceived handball.  Mr Townsend doesn’t seem to know what happened, but after consulting the linesman with the 1970’s haircut and indigestion he awards a penalty, and Coggy’s number fourteen boots the ball into the middle of the goal as the goalkeeper helpfully throws himself out of its path. Hertford Heath don’t seem too aggrieved, so Mr Townsend’s decision seems likely to have been a good call.

With the home team now trailing by just a single goal and with just ten minutes remaining, Mr Townsend develops a heightened awareness of potential time wasting from the visiting team and begins counting down from five whenever Hertford Heath have a throw, free-kick, or goal-kick.  Sometimes he shouts out the numbers and sometimes he holds a hand up and counts down with his fingers in the manner of the late gameshow host and alleged comedian Ted Rogers.  It’s a helpful ploy from the referee, but somehow the Hertford goalkeeper still manages to get himself booked for time wasting.

Sadly for Coggy, but happily for the Heath, despite a more exciting final ten minutes, there are no further goals, with a decent header from a corner being saved by the goalkeeper and Coggy’s number two then heading the rebound over the bar as the final interesting action.

With the final whistle, I wait in my seat a minute whilst everyone else departs.  I’ve enjoyed my afternoon in a short-sleeved shirt and shorts peering through the narrow gap between the roof of the stand and the perimeter fence.  I hadn’t been to see at game at The Crops since August of last year, but I now realise what I’ve been missing.  With Ipswich Town once again in the Premier League this season I might need more visits here as an antidote to all the hype and anti-social kick-off times.

Kings Park Rangers 2 Stanway Pegasus 0

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The snappily titled Thurlow Nunn Eastern Counties League Division One South has in the last year been shorn of two Suffolk clubs in the shape of Whitton United and Debenham Leisure Centre, who voluntarily dropped into the Suffolk and Ipswich League.  But as if by magic, two replacements have immediately filled the gaps left, one in the shape of the venerable Halesworth Town (founded 1887) and the other in the form of the altogether less venerable King’s Park Rangers,  who sprang suddenly from the Essex and Suffolk Border League after a brief two-season gestation, a bit like The Alien did from John Hurt’s stomach.

It is the final chapter of my two-part quest to be able to boast idly that I have seen every senior team in Suffolk play a home game.  Today I am making the brief 19.2-kilometre road trip across the border from Essex to Backhouse Lane, Little Cornard where I hope to see King’s Park Rangers play another team of recent graduates from the Border League, Stanway Pegasus.  If I was a younger man for whom the concept of time on this planet running out was less of an immediate concern, I might have caught the train to Colchester, or from Marks Tey to Bures, and then the number 44 bus to Great Cornard, but in truth I couldn’t really be bothered with the palaver, and in any case I have an electric car, so I am doing my bit to save the planet and reduce global warming.  It is therefore a little after two o’clock when I set off from my front drive towards Sudbury.

Being in Little Cornard, it is no surprise that Backhouse Lane is the longstanding home of Cornard United, but more intriguing is why is it now also the home of Kings Park Rangers, who are they, why are they, and where is Kings Park?   These questions have been niggling me all week in my idle moments, and fancifully I had postulated that they are perhaps a team from Kings Park, Suffolk County, Long Island, New York,  a team of South African ex-pats who have named their club after Kings Park Stadium in Durban, or even that they are an incel’s bitter and twisted response to the existence of Queens Park Rangers.  Eventually, there was nothing for it but to consult the interweb and hope I could find some information that was believable and not merely ‘content’ designed to enrage, influence or peddle consumer goods.   It turns out, so it seems, that Kings Park Rangers are a sort of works team for Kings Park Fulfilment Ltd of Pebmarsh, Essex, a company that works for Amazon, aiding Jeff Bezos’s bid for world domination.  According to ‘Suffolk News’, the club was set up in 2023 by “former Cornard resident” Josh Pollard “…as a way of connecting his family- including famous cousin Olly Murs – and work colleagues through their shared love of football.”  I can’t decide if this is philanthropy, megalomania or just weird but it probably makes Kings Park Rangers a Pebmarsh team, an Essex team, that just plays in Suffolk.

Looking out from the drizzle flecked windows of my planet saving Citroen e-C4 it’s a miserable, depressingly grey November day, the aftermath of an even more depressingly miserable, wet, November day, the day before.  The only thing to raise one’s spirits a little is the fact that today the moisture in the air is just occasional fine drizzle, not the persistent rain and occasional monsoon that hit yesterday.  Nevertheless, there’s no denying that the dripping trees, puddles, mud and soggy leaves are all rather glorious in their own way and provide a characterful backdrop to the twisting, turning, undulating B1508 as it makes its way along the north bank of the River Stour from Bures towards Sudbury.

Suddenly, out of the gloom I reach Great Cornard and quickly identify the need to brake and turn right into Backhouse Lane, a very narrow road which in places has a deep water-filled ditch on one side; it is not wide enough for two cars to pass.  Fortunately, I meet only one car coming in the opposite direction and that is at one of the few passing places.  I am therefore soon parking up my planet saving Citroen in the mostly full car park, next to a white Ford Transit van.  The entrance to the football ground is off to my right, through the mist and back towards the B1508 along a concrete path strewn with fallen, brown leaves that have the consistency of wet papier mache.  Two men stand talking each other by the entrance, which seems to marked by a collection of beer kegs, and as I approach they end their conversation and one of them nips into the turnstile booth.  When I last came to Cornard, back in January 2019, the ‘turnstile’ was just a wooden hut but at some time in the intervening six years and ten months this has been replaced by a very neat structure that looks something like a cross between a very small domestic conservatory and one of the old toll booths at the Dartford tunnel.  I tender my £5 concessionary entry fee by means of my bank card.  There is no printed programme, but the window of the toll booth displays a QR code for a programme which is free.  Pretending to be completely familiar with QR codes I point my mobile phone at it, because I think I know that is what you do.  I have succeeded in accessing on-line programmes in the past, but not today, but at least I will have a nice photo of a QR code.  The young man at the turnstile then strangely tells me that there are plenty of people in the club house, perhaps he thinks I look lonely.

There are indeed plenty of people in the clubhouse as the young man in the toll booth said, but I only talk to the barman who, when I ask if there is a bitter available, tells me there isn’t the call for it nowadays but helpfully adds that a pub nearby wins awards for its beer.  Sadly, there’s no danger of that here and I settle for a bottle of alcohol-free St Austell Brewery Proper Job (£4.90).  The barman apologises for not letting me have the bottle to pour the beer myself and explains that whilst he doesn’t think I look like I would cause any trouble, he’s not allowed to.  Avoiding eye-contact with anyone else in the bar, I worry a little for my safety and take my beer outside where I watch the players, the referee and his assistants warm up, and a player in a track suit top walks a small brown dog. I notice that the two dugouts are almost at opposite ends of the pitch, when I was here in 2019, they were next to one another.

 The referee is a young man with impossibly short hair who looks very keen and serious as he turns and sprints along the touchline and then does the same again. His assistants, two much older men, follow him for all of a few seconds, by which time he is almost out of sight.  “Five minutes.  Do your stretches”, says the referee and one of the assistants a portly, grey-haired man wearing an open knee support stretches down to his knee once or twice and the expression on his face says “that’ll do”.

The game begins at a minute past three and it’s Kings Park who get first go with ball, which they rapidly boot towards Sudbury and the Thomas Gainsborough school, which is just over the fence from the ground.  Kings Park sport an all-blue kit with a wide, white, slightly blurry diagonal stripe across the front, and I think to myself what kit would I choose if I was inventing my own football club, probably not this one.   Stanway Pegasus meanwhile are in all-green with a blurry white stripe down their left side and black socks, like an unhappy man’s Plymouth Argyle.

The most notable thing about this game from the start is the shouting on the pitch and from the dugouts. “You gotta work”, “Chase”, come the early, more polite commands extolling effort over skill.  “Away” shouts the Kings Park goalkeeper and for some reason I think of the Teletubbies. Kings Park win an early corner.  “Seconds, seconds” is another shout, appropriately twice. On the pitch, both teams seem wound up already and the Pegasus number nine screams at the referee’s assistant as he strides towards him intimidatingly over the trivial matter of a throw in.  “Mental” he says to himself after being told to calm down by referee Mr Glasson-Cox, who coincidentally also refereed the match I saw at Halesworth last week.

The half is half over. “Fuckin’ ‘ell ref” says someone about possibly anything but soon the initial intensity of the match seems to have thankfully subsided a bit.  I move into the main stand, a utilitarian, boxy looking structure but with a bit more character than most of the prefabricated metal stands erected nowadays.   In a quiet moment I reflect upon the referee’s assistant stood in front of me, a wiry man with a large beard, which he looks as if he might have grown having been told by his doctor that he needs to put on a bit of weight.  Between me and the referee’s assistant raindrops cling to the white painted rail around the pitch.   The slightly calmer mood continues into a short delay in which the referee speaks to his assistant on the far side, the portly, grey-haired one with the dodgy knee who it seems has noticed that following a goal mouth scramble the goal at the Sudbury end of the ground, which is on wheels, has moved a little.  Mr Gasson-Cox takes a look and gives the goal a little shove.

After the calm, there follows a short storm as Kings Park’s number eight and captain Noah Collard scythes down an unidentified Pegasus player who proceeds to writhe on the ground screaming.  Once the Pegasus player has cried wolf for long enough Collard becomes the first player to see Mr Gasson-Cox’s yellow card, but discussion in the crowd is more about the girlish screaming than the booking.  “Does he have to go off with the screaming?” asks a spectator not unreasonably.   But as if to quickly even things up, a Pegasus player also gets to view the yellow card before half-time, although there is no further screaming from either side and the half ends goalless.

With half-time I drain-off some of the Proper Job and eat a Polish Grzeski chocolate bar from the World food aisle in Sainsbury’s.  I peer through the window of the club house where a man and a woman, presumably club officials from Stanway Pegasus, and two men in large black coats featuring the crest of the Suffolk County Football Association drink tea with an array of what look like shop bought sausage rolls and homemade bread pudding wrapped in tin foil laid out before them.  Only the man from Stanway Pegasus seems to be eating anything.  I wonder to myself where the Battenburg and Swiss Roll are.  Outside, next to the window I look at today’s team sheet, which looks like whoever wrote it might have been eating an orange at the same time.  Beyond the club house the small brown dog is being walked by a different man, possibly a player, who is evidently not playing today; I hear him say he doesn’t know the dog’s name.  “Come on you” he says.  Two other small dogs are present in the crowd today too, one in a coat and one not. 

At three minutes past four the match resumes and the Kings Park coach is immediately barking instructions to Georgie, Zammo and Hughsie as if his very existence depended on it, whilst also sounding like the games teacher from tv’s Grange Hill, but only because he said ‘Zammo’.   His shouting works however and six minutes later a ball from left to right finds number twenty-two Daniel Cousens inside the penalty area.  Cousens calmly places the ball wide of the Pegasus goalkeeper, and Kings Park lead one-nil.

Ten minutes later and Kings Park lead two-nil when a low cross from the right travels across the face of the goal, past the flailing limbs of a couple of Pegasus players until it reaches Kings Park number ten Harry Willoughby, who bundles it into the goal from close range before running off madly.  “Whatever ‘appens, don’t let ‘em fucking score again” bawls a rough voice, presumably of a Pegasus supporter. 

It’s getting on for half past four and the game seems over. Pegasus don’t offer much else but for a goal mouth scramble which leaves the Pegasus coach feeling hard done by and asking rhetorically “ ‘ow’s your luck?”  and then asking it again.  For Kings Park the goalscorer Willoughby is substituted for the 50-year-old former Norwich City, Colchester United, Reading, Queens Park Rangers, Swindon Town, Shrewsbury Town, Bristol Rovers, Leyton Orient, Bournemouth, Barnsley and umpteen other clubs’ player Jamie Cureton. As Willoughby heads for the changing room, he emits a sort of howl.

Back on the pitch, Pegasus number five Jordan Robertson is booked after Kings Park’s number ninety-nine Oliver Sims is not given offside, and Robertson seemingly exorcises his disappointment by hacking Sims down.  “Fucking embarrassing” says the Pegasus coach, but only about the presumed offside. Time runs down, on into the ninetieth minute.  Pegasus can’t decide whether to just boot the ball forward as quickly as possible or pass it. “Just kick the fuckin’ thing” shouts an elderly spectator summarising a century and a half of tactics from the country that apparently invented the game.  “Darren, time” shouts a player. “Darren, man on” shouts the same player a moment later. The final action sees another booking for Kings Park. “Fuck me, it’s getting boring now” say the Pegasus coach and happily at 16:52 Mr Gasson-Cox, who I think has had a good game calls time.

I wait as the players leave the field to no applause, just the blokey clasping of fists with a few spectators and shouts from inside the changing rooms.  It’s been a good game in terms of the ability shown, but it’s not been a particularly enjoyable one. There’s been too much trying to pressure the referee, too much needless swearing and too much of a sense of needing to win above all else. I think I’ll just try to remember the afternoon for the miserable weather, the soggy leaves and the small dogs.

Holland 2  Dussindale & Hellesdon Rovers 1

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Holland-On-Sea, Wikipedia tells us, is a suburb of Clacton-On-Sea and was known as Little Holland until the early twentieth century; it also has a football club called Holland FC.  What Wikipedia doesn’t tell us however is that Holland is just a 30 minute, thirty-eight-and-a-half-kilometre drive from my house, although Google maps does.  Stanway Rovers, Halstead Town, Coggeshall Town, Cornard United, Wivenhoe Town and Hadleigh United football clubs are all playing at home today and are probably all closer to home, but none of them are “On-Sea” and I’ve been to all of their home grounds in the last twelve years, which isn’t true of Holland FC’s Dulwich Road, where I am given to understand that the pitch, as if by some freakish movement of tectonic plates, has moved through ninety degrees in that time, throwing up a metal fence all around itself and a smart new clubhouse.  Therefore, with the promise of sea air and the prospect of a geologically formed football ground, it is on a warm but cloudy Saturday afternoon in early September that I set off in my planet saving Citroen eC4 for Holland-On-Sea.  I had contemplated catching the train to Clacton and making the half hour walk to Dulwich Road, but with only one train an hour I wouldn’t have got home until seven o’clock, and I have a wife whose heart I risk breaking if I stay out too long.

It’s an uneventful journey down the A133 and I arrive in relaxed mood in the Holland FC car park, where I have a wide choice of parking spaces; I draw up next to a modest silver-coloured family saloon, which had turned into the pebbly, beach-like car park shortly before my I and my Citroen did.  It’s not half past two yet , so I decide to take a look at the sea before entering the ground; the cliff top and sandy beach below are only 200 metres away across the grassy expanse of the Eastcliff Recreation Ground and Marine Parade.  From the cliff top, Clacton Pier is visible through the haze at the end of the beach, and out to sea sit the ranks of wind turbines that I like to think made the electricity that powered my car and brought me here.  A West Indian man of pensionable age and riding a low-slung tricycle asks me if I’m local and if I know where the Kings Cliff Hotel is.  I tell him I’m not and I don’t know where the hotel is, but I do know he is heading towards Kings Parade.  I think to myself that the ‘King’ in King’s Parade fame was probably either King Edward the Seventh or some egotistical Tendring District councillor with the surname King.

I walk back inland to the football ground up Lyndhurst Road, a typically suburban, tree-lined street of inter-war bungalows, all of which are almost frighteningly neat and well maintained. Just past a public toilet is a hedge which is teeming with bees and butterflies, mostly Red Admirals.  I am not sure I’ve ever seen so many butterflies in one place, but start to worry that wealthy local MP Nigel Farage might be having them specially bred so that he can pull their wings off or place them in his reptile-like mouth before washing them down with a pint of beer.  But then again, I don’t suppose he ever comes here; he probably gets his butterflies in Florida.

Back at the football ground, the friendly, cheery but visibly overweight man at the gate tells me that the concessionary entry fee of £5.00 applies to over sixties; I tender a twenty-pound note and receive fifteen pounds change.  After I ask if there is a programme today, I am told that the club does produce a match programme, but hasn’t done so today, which to me seems a bit lazy of them.  With the two pounds I saved at the gate by being old, I buy £1.50’s worth of tea from Jaffa’s Tea Bar.  I don’t know who Jaffa is, but his or her (it was a woman who served me) tea is pretty good, even if it is just a tea bag in a paper cup with some added water and milk.    I suspect however that the name of the tea bar is derived from the club nickname, “The Jaffas” and so the apostrophe is in the wrong place, this is Essex after all.  I wander inside the clubhouse which, although bright and new and with a display of trophies on one wall, seems a little soulless due to its grey floor, plain walls and vaulted ceiling; the only pumps on the bar are for Stella Artois, San Miguel and Carlsberg. I am pleased I bought tea and enjoy the irony that in Farage’s constituency all the ‘beers’ are, nominally at least, foreign brands.  Most of the drinkers are sat outside at an array of tables and look like they are settled in for the afternoon. 

“Are you sat here for the music?” I ask two old boys sat on stackable chairs in a covered area outside the home dressing room,  through the window of which can be heard the typical, pumped-up, high volume musical selection of the millennial footballer.  “Is that what it is?” Says one of the old boys.  I wonder to myself if Stanley Matthews, Len Shackleton and Tommy Lawton would get themselves ready for kick-off by cranking up the volume on the latest 78’s from Glenn Miller,  Al Bowlly and Bing Crosby.  With the music turned off we can hear the team talk. “It’s a long journey from Norwich or wherever they come from” says the coach encouragingly to the Holland players.

It’s not long before the teams are lining up to parade onto the pitch with the players of today’s opponents Dussindale and Hellesdon Rovers, looking suitably jet lagged.  Dussindale and Hellesdon are two suburban areas on opposite sides of Norwich, but their clubs amalgamated a few years ago and have made it into the snappily titled Thurlow Nunn Eastern Counties League First Division North and now play in Horsford, which is at least next to Hellesdon and close to Norwich airport, which is handy for away games.   After all the usual handshaking and hand-gripping malarkey, it is Dussindale and Hellesdon who kick-off towards the sea in burgundy shirts and navy-blue shorts. It’s a tasteful, if slightly dull kit and doesn’t compare with Holland’s vivid all orange ensemble.  Wikipedia tells us that the nickname of Holland FC is The Tangerines, no doubt due to the colour of their kit, but Holland’s own website refers to them as The Jaffas, although it doesn’t appear to have been updated since last May.  I wonder if there has perhaps been a referendum during the close season on what type of orange best represents the club, with members choosing to reject Satsumas, Mandarins, Clementines, Navels, Cara Caras and Easy peelers.   

The early exchanges on the pitch are typically noisy with the ball frequently flying high into the afternoon sky as an optimistic through pass for someone to chase is booted away.  “Go wide, hit the channel, good chap” bawls the Rovers’ goalkeeper revealing a hint of a Norwich accent as the ball sails in to touch.  Holland have the classic two big blokes at the back, numbers 5 and 12.  Number 12 has the sort of build which, if this were a professional game, would no doubt leave him open to chants from opposing supporters of “You fat bastard”, but he is a ‘rock’ at the back for Holland. 

I walk round the pitch to stand between the team dugouts. Holland win two early corners.  More Norfolk accents are detected on the away team bench.  Holland seem to lack club volunteers, with there being no programme today and no team sheet posted on a wall anywhere either.  The on-pitch commentary from the players however reveals that the Rovers number three is called Eggy and the number four Martin; other players have names too.

A poor back pass lets in the Holland number eleven,  who crosses in a low ball which a Rovers centre-back clears over the cross bar for corner.  It’s the first real opportunity, even if it was entirely manufactured by one team for the other.  The game is full of endeavour, but no one is capable of providing a pass that will lead to a goal. It’s a game of just shouts at the moment.  “Get out”, “First and second ball”, “What we talked about”, “Jump early”, “Ref that was blatant”, the usual anxious nonsense that the players hear every week and must get sick of.  On the Rovers’ bench the coaches are simply willing their team to do better; “Get the ball” urges one, going back to basics.  Then Rovers break down the right; number eleven scampering into the penalty area and crossing the ball low to where somebody should be to tap it in but isn’t.

“That’s the first chance of the game, and it’s to us” says a Rovers coach moments before the Holland number nine heads the ball against the Rovers cross bar from what looked like inside the six-yard box.  Fortunately, he can’t hear the cursing on the Holland bench.  It was the sort of incident that explains why the Rovers number five displays a constantly slightly worried look on his face, in contrast however to the number four playing in front of him, who is calmness personified and always has unhurried time on the ball. “Go on Matt, Dylan” shouts another coach, and I think of a parallel world where a film director working with Jack Nicholson and Charlton Heston might say “Go On, Jack, Charlton.”

 “It’s a great run again” says a Holland coach sounding like a radio commentator as Holland move forward again down the right.   The pattern of the first half has now been established and Holland are the dominant team, but with Rovers are a constant threat on the break. In midfield for Holland, number eight has a beard, and hair swept back with an alice band; it makes him look a bit like a bargain basement Alessandro Pirlo, which would explain why he is captain.  “Keep on side” shouts someone as Rovers’ number eleven breaks forward again, but he’s too late, the linesman’s flag is raised, if only that advice had been shouted sooner.

Unusually, in the final twenty minutes of the first half there are three substitutions, with Holland’s number three, who has been looking physically uncomfortable, being usurped by number seventeen, who is soon having a shot on goal well saved.  For Rovers, numbers seven and eight leave the pitch to be replaced with numbers fourteen and fifteen, like the start of a mathematical puzzle.  Just as unusual is the smell of deep-frying fish and chips that is wafting around when at half past three in the afternoon people should surely be having no more than an afternoon cup of tea and a biscuit.

The thought of tea sends me further round the pitch, back towards Jaffa’s tea bar and when I pass behind the linesmen he warns “Nothing silly” as opposing players chase another hopeful punt forward for Rovers.  The ball is soon returned to the other end of the pitch however, where Holland’s number nine shoots weakly at the goalkeeper as he redirects a square pass.  But the disappointment is short-lived as number ten finds himself in much the same position, but crucially manages to shoot past the goalkeeper and high into the net to give Holland a more or less deserved lead.

 Half-time arrives soon afterwards and teas and beers taste better than they would have if Holland had not scored, although I don’t think everyone sat drinking outside the bar noticed the goal or any of the first-half come to that.  For the second-half I decide to take up a seat in the main and only stand, selecting a spot in the middle of the second row where I can easily see most of the pitch above the metal mesh fence.   From here I can also see the sea of hipped bungalow roofs with ugly concrete tiles and the white UPVC conservatories that squat beyond the surrounding boundary fence and off into the distance.  A seagull stands and squawks from on top of a ridge tile.

The football resumes at two minutes past three and Rovers are soon seeing more of the ball than previously; they’re not playing so deep into their own half, but like Holland before the half-time break, they’re not creating many chances to score.  Suddenly, out of the blue, it all gets a bit too much for Rovers’ number nine who bawls in frustration “Fuckin’ell, fuckin’ play!”.  Moments later, as if to say “Alright, alright, keep your hair on”, his team-mates fashion a corner kick and then number fourteen becomes the first player to be booked as he fouls Holland’s number eleven.   In contrast to the increased excitement on the pitch the afternoon now feels quite still; the sky has clouded over and it’s cooler than it was. 

Despite both number nine and ten having decent shots on goal for Rovers, Holland are holding on fairly comfortably, but it must nevertheless come as a relief to them when around half past four  Rovers’ number five swings a foot to clear the ball and misses it, letting Holland’s number eight take it to the edge of the box, check inside and send a gently curling shot beyond the goalkeeper and inside the far post. Holland lead 2-0.

It’s the sort of a goal that commentators tell us will ‘wrap the game up’ and ‘put it to bed’; it’s just what Holland have been waiting for.  Two minutes later and it hasn’t, as Rover’s number ten has a shot parried by the Holland goalkeeper and number nine sweeps the rebound into the goal.  The score is 2-1 and anxiety takes hold.  It’s been a game of very few fouls, but someone cries “Late every time” when there is an accidental collision of boot and ankle, and I begin to wonder if all referees shouldn’t also be primary school teachers.

It is seven minutes to five when the game ends, and before returning to my trusty planet saving Citroen for the drive home, I pause to applaud and reflect on what has been a very good game. As I say to one of the old boys as he gathers up his sticks to toddle off home, we’ve had a decent five pounds worth of entertainment.   But shuddering slightly, I nevertheless can’t help wondering how all these people voted at the last general election.

Meudon AS 0 St Ouen L’Aumone AS 2

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Today is the last day of September, my wife Paulene and are staying in Meudon on the edge of Paris, and having enjoyed both professional Ligue 1 and Ligue 2 football in the past week and a bit, watching both Paris FC and Paris St Germain, this afternoon we are getting down with the French equivalent of ‘non-league’. Not much more than ten minutes away by car at the Stade Georges Millandy in Meudon Le Foret (twenty minutes by bus service No 289) is a Coupe de France fourth round tie between Meudon AS of the Ile de Paris regional league Division 3 and St Ouen L’Aumone AS of the Ile de Paris regional league Division 1. These leagues are the 6th and 8th levels of the French football league ladder, although probably not directly comparable to those levels in the English non-league ‘pyramid’.
The parking at the local community sports centre, where the match is to take place is full, so we park our trusty Citroen C3 around the corner in Rue Georges Millandy between large blocks of modern apartments. We are not sure exactly where we are going, but the Federation Football Francais (FFF, the French Football Association) website says this is the where the match is taking place and having walked through a corridor in a sports hall we find ourselves next to an artificial football pitch. There is no turnstile and watching this match is free. A bunch of blokes in tracksuits sit outside a portacabin eating baguettes and drinking coffee. In my exquisite school boy French I ask if this is this is where the Coupe de France game is taking place at 2.30; I am relieved to learn that it is, and flattered that the man I speak to recognises the Ipswich Town crest on my T-shirt. I explain that I am a fan and not from the club itself, but we both quickly make the connection that Ipswich’s Under 18 player Idris El Mazouni is from Meudon. I will later discover that I have been talking to Idris’s dad.
The Stade Georges Millandy is not a stadium as we might understand it in Britain, because it has no stands; it’s just a 3G synthetic pitch with dugouts and a metal fence, overlooked by five or six large, shiny white apartment blocks.

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It wouldn’t make the grade for the Thurlow Nunn Eastern Counties League, although in truth the playing facilities are better than at most clubs in that league. It seems quite new, is in good condition and is the sort of installation that a town the size of Ipswich should probably have at least ten of. Given that these pitches are not cheap to install it is doubly impressive that the surface extends beyond the actual pitch to the area around it, with a mini pitch and goals in the space behind one goal. A game (possibly Under 15s) is

just finishing with a penalty shoot-out and I return to the portacabin, which is a sort of club house and buvette, to get two cups of green tea and a Kit-Kat (all 1 euro each); the tea is poured from a huge pot. On one wall is a large array of trophies won by all age groups within the club.

Paulene and I wander around the pitch as we drink our tea and I scoff a Kit-Kat trying to remember why Nestle products were boycotted and if they still should be; too late now, I have become complicit in their multi-national nastiness. It is a beautiful, bright sunny

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afternoon beneath a clear blue sky and the gaze of those shiny apartment blocks, which cast no shadows on one another or the pitch; this has to be how Le Corbusier imagined La Ville Radieuse.

A man in a loosely belted gabardine raincoat appears; if he was wearing a trilby hat he could have stepped from a 1940’s film. He sports a bright arm band which adds to the look, but in a slightly sinister manner; he is however the délègue principal, the FFF official who

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will oversee this afternoon’s game from the side lines. Out of the blue one of the spectators walks up to me and shakes my hand. In due course the two teams emerge from their respective changing rooms and walk through the metal gate onto the pitch before lining up side by side, then in a line before shaking hands. Introductions between the referee and players and délègue principal are made all-round, before the game kicks off about five minutes late (it was advertised as a 14:30 kick–off) with St Ouen having first go with the ball, aiming at the goal in front of the buvette. Meudon kick in the general direction of far off Stade Charlety and the 13th Arrondissement. St Ouen wear an all-green kit, whilst Meudon are all in red; neither club has its club crest on its shirts but instead bear the logo of the FFF with its cockerel.

St Ouen quickly win a free-kick as their tricky number nine goes down under a challenge; he gets up to send a neat free-kick over the red wall of Meudon, but into the arms of the very young looking Meudon goalkeeper, who strangely is one of the smallest players on the pitch, a sort of French Laurie Sivell. It is also St Ouen who have the second serious goal attempt, again a free-kick, but this time firmly hit from a wide position by their number ten. Once again the goalkeeper, whose blond hair may not be its original

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colour, saves, batting the ball away for the first of five corners that St Ouen will win this half. Most of these corners are either poorly taken or all the St Ouen players are waiting for the ball in the wrong places.
Meudon are very competitive and the game is played at a fast pace with the emphasis on passing rather than just getting the ball forward by the fastest route. Meudon come close to scoring a bit before three o’clock as their huge number eleven breaks through on the left. The St Ouen goalkeeper, who incidentally reminds me of St Etienne ‘keeper Stephane Ruffier on account of his designer stubble and very short dark hair, and is possibly the second smallest on the pitch, dives at his feet. The ball rebounds to the Meudon number seven whose goal-bound shot is headed away at improbably close range.
Meudon seem to be growing in confidence and their number ten does a few feints and jinks over the ball like a footballing Michael Jackson (Bubbles’ friend, not the one who played for Tranmere and Shrewsbury) might have done. There are a few jeers and within the next twenty seconds his ankles are swept away from beneath him by the St Ouen number three as he goes to dribble down the right touchline. It’s one of those situations that some people would try to excuse by saying that number ten had been ‘disrespectful’, but that’s just a modern buzzword, a sort of false political correctness and it is tosh; I blame Eastenders. Football is a game of skill, and dumping someone on their bum shows little ‘respect’ itself. Referee Monsieur Charly Legendre doesn’t see fit to book anyone either way.
The coaches on the side lines are animated, “Parlez –vous” one calls urging his players to talk to one another. The St Ouen coach, a portly man in his fifties sports a fine mullet and

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has the look of Maradona about him. The Meudon coach becomes involved in a prolonged discussion with the linesman Mefa Bakayoko about an offside or a free-kick which has been and gone and so no longer matters. On the field, the St Ouen number ten sends a free-kick solidly over the cross bar whilst Meudon’s number six comes as close as anyone else with a long range shot that goes wide. St Ouen’s number nine is proving industrious and creates a couple of shots for himself, one of which is well saved and Meudon replace their number three with substitute number thirteen. Half-time arrives and Paulene and I look back on a good but slightly frustrating forty-five minutes, which was too tight to be really entertaining. I head for the buvette to get a bottle of water (1 euro).
During the half-time break we stand about and as a man walks by he shouts “Ipswich!”. We could do with that sort of enthusiasm at Portman Road. As I stand I enjoy the

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contents of the many balconies that overlook the pitch from the surrounding apartments. Bikes, mattresses, plants and drying clothes decorate the bright white buildings and on one corner is a tricolour, perhaps left over from the summer’s World Cup win. As the afternoon wears on more people seem to arrive to watch the game and by the end I estimate that at least one-hundred people are here.
The délègue principal oversees the away team leaving their dressing room by a side door to the sports centre building and heads back to the pitch still wearing his gabardine raincoat, although it’s a warm afternoon; he is perhaps the anti-thesis of the banker in The Beatles’ Penny Lane and also feels as if he’s in a play, or a British TV sitcom. The bearded referee begins the game again and St Ouen soon win their sixth and seventh corners of the game, although in between their number eleven also shoots over the cross bar. At about four o’clock the St Ouen number eleven breaks forward through the middle, stretching the Meudon defence before playing a through ball to number ten who slips the ball inside the near post past the ‘blonde’ goalkeeper; St Ouen lead 1-0.
They may be losing and disappointed to be doing so, but Meudon still pose a threat and a good run and cross from number eleven meets the thigh of number seven just a few yards out, but he can’t direct the ball past the goal keeper. The first booking of the game goes to Meudon’s number two and the game enters a tetchy stage where it seems it could flare up at any moment. As at most French football matches I have seen where this happens however, there are only outbreaks of animated discussion between the players, but the referee stands back and let’s this carry on. It’s a civilised approach which may reflect the character of a country that has produced far more philosophers than England has produced ‘World Class’ footballers.
St Ouen are buoyed by their goal and their bearded number three controls a ball beautifully on his chest before advancing down the flank. The lads watching near us jeer at his skill and nickname him Fekir, and they’re right to do so because he does vaguely resemble the French international. But Meudon are not beaten yet and the large number eleven strides past a couple of St Ouen players before playing a through ball to number twelve who either wasn’t paying attention or the pass wasn’t as good as it looked. Paulene and I belatedly realise that the number twelve has replaced the number seven, who we had thought was Meudon’s best player.
St Ouen almost score a second goal as their number nine diverts a cross from ‘Fekir’ the wrong side of the post from close range, but the game is becoming more scrappy and there are more fouls. The Meudon number ten spends more time than most not being upright. St Ouen win an eighth corner and as a passage of play ends Monsieur Legendre calls over Meudon’s number nine and ‘Fekir’ and books them for a mystery offence that neither Paulene or I saw. It is now gone half past four and we are witnessing time added on as St Ouen’s number eight runs down the right and then pulls the ball back across the penalty area for substitute number fourteen to side foot beyond the small, blond goalkeeper into the far corner of the goal. St Ouen L’Aumone AS is the name that will go into the draw for the 5th round of the Coupe de France.
It’s been a reasonable game although not an exciting one in terms of goalmouth action. We turn to leave and Paulene notices a man with an Ipswich Town crest on his coat; I speak to him and it turns out he is the father of a second player from Meudon AS who is now in Ipswich Town’s Under 18 squad, Lounes Fodil.

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Lounes’s dad, who is called Mustapha (apologies if the spelling is wrong) is a lovely bloke and is genuinely pleased to meet us and invites us for a coffee in the buvette. Our conversation probably isn’t the best as neither our French nor Mustapha’s English are fully fluent, but Mustapha gets across his philosophy of football; it’s a game of skill and intelligence not brute strength. He’s been to Portman Road and has noticed the glum atmosphere, which he attributes to the dull football. Whilst we are at the buvette some of the players come in for post-match drinks and snacks, one of them (I think it might have been the big number eleven or the captain) tells me Lounes is a good player. I tell him that’s good news because Ipswich Town really needs some good players; before he leaves he shakes my hand. The man who I first spoke to when we arrived comes to the bar counter and gets out his mobile phone before showing us a montage of clips of Idris El Mizouni playing for the Under 18’s, this is when I discover that this is Idris’s dad.
After a good half an hour or more we have to leave and walk from the ground with Mustapha who leaves us his phone number and invites us round to eat; sadly Paulene’s food intolerances and allergies will make that too complicated. We thank Mustapha and say how good it has been to meet him. Hopefully we will see him again.

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